everyday_no_one

Innocence no longer exists in this world. It is such a shame that values and morals are no longer important.

it's 2 0 0 8.
happy new year!
a new year. a new start. a new beginning.
goodbye to things that aren't meant to be, and hello to the things that are awaiting for me.
bigger expectations and bigger dreams.

it's unbelievable how time passes by so fast.

only 23 days till my birthday. till i am officially legal. one more step closer to being an adult. one more year i have lived and one less year of my life. yet, i still haven't lived it to the fullest. hopefully, 2008 is the year i could start enjoying life more. living every moment to the fullest. sounds so cliche.

and 6 months and 6 days till high school graduation. this thought scares me. high school is safe. you're surrounded by your family, the teachers that are there to baby you, and the friends that had once made a promise to remain "friends forever". it's your comfort zone. but once you walk across the stage to receive your diploma, high school ends. things change. people leave. choices are made. lives are changed.

its scary to know that the people you once know, especially those who were once closest to you, you may never see them again in your life. its scary to know that the choices you make can change your life entirely. should i leave miami? which university should i attend? what major should i study? everything will affect your life. i'm scared of wondering about the "what ifs". i don't want to make the wrong choices and regret anything.

but for now, my new year's resolution would be to appreciate, love, and not take for granted everything that is around me. my mom, my best friend, my besties, my teachers, my classmates, along with everything else. because the time is now. while everything is still here. while everything is still the same.

hopefully, in 10 years, some things will still be the same.

i find it hard to breathe.
like air never reaches my lungs.
my heart is constantly pounding.
once in a while, it feels like someone pinched it.
but then it stops.
i don't know what's wrong my body.
am i dying?
i don't want to.
nor do i want to be sick.
maybe i just got back home and i'm not used to the atmosphere.
or maybe i'm having heart problems like my dad.
i'm scared.
i really don't want to die.

so blood test and EKG is my answer.
i hope the results say i'm fine.
but if they do, i'm even more scared.
not even doctors know what's wrong with my body.

it's been a while since i actually had fun. not just the regular "hang out fun" but actual fun. no longer thinking about those certain people around you and actually letting loose. it feels awesome. being carefree and just relaxing.

yesterday, class nite. i screamed so much. beta won 1st place. no doubt about it from the beginning. then, janelle's party. talk about being spontaneous. it was kick-ass good. party was off the chain. i danced so much my feet and knees were hurting. boy, that thing was crazy. i know she's gonna be a good social vp. she already started out awesome.

and today, the sga banquet. it started off boring. not as good as last year's or the year before that. but in the end, i ended up having fun. i heard a lot of speeches. some made me think. but most of them made me cry. especially miguel's speech. i've never seen him cry. it was so adorable. miguel is always the "happy" miguel. seeing him cry was so different. then, gladys' speech. her activities office "angel" miguel. it was so sweet. i'm going to miss them.

i just can't imagine how next year will be. or rather, how it will end. thinking about it makes me scared. that's not a good thing. but i'm going to ignore it, just like the other things i have to ignore.

its amazing how one choice can change a lot of things. then, you start to wonder what would have happened if you decided differently. would it have made a difference? would it have been a better choice? would it have made you happier? but you can't. these what if's are just only "what if's". there is no point in wondering about it.

some people should just die. the world might be brighter.

today was one hell of a day. to start things off, the awards assembly. some people shouldn't have received the awards that they were given. they didn't deserve them. but neither did i. this year, i haven't done anything that is worth recognizing. but if they got one, why shouldn't i? i don't know if i feel happy for steph either. i should, but i somehow envy her. this year, she got more awards than i did. even a better one.

then, election results. even though deep down, there was a part of me that knew erick was going to win. i didn't want to admit that. somehow, i was wishing maybe with some luck and a bit of a miracle, it would not happen. but that didn't happen. i was disappointed. jade was even more miserable. that girl deserved the sga spot. she just didn't have a last name called hueck. how unfair is that?

now, my last hope would be for yanichel to just lose everything he has ever wanted. especially ioc chairperson. he just has to stay as a junior and not be a senior. he just has to fail those summer classes. he can't pass. he just can't. the day he enters activities, everything will be ruined. things will be out of controlled. q might not even be able to do anything to stop him. i pray. he just has to fail. he has to.

tomorrow's the last day to vote. i hope people will just get off their lazy butts and actually go vote. i can't wait to know the results to election. i'm sure everyone else is as anxious as i am. i just hope the people i voted for win, and the ones i didn't would lose. i can't stand to have some people in activities next year. some people who will only create drama, trouble, and just cause problems with everything they do. all hell will break loose. i'm worried about the unexpected. what happens if its only a matter of a few votes and someone loses? i mean, it is very possible. considering more than 95% of the school doesn't care about election. only what? 250 people voted in a week? ha ha. that is just sad. but steph and isa has to win. i'm rooting for yohana. i'm pretty sure she won't lose to giovany. now, this particular person has to lose. so does this other person and the mastermind. they just have to.

its hard for things to go back to normal. to the times when things aren't tense. where hanging out is actually having fun. but i'm trying. god knows i'm trying to get back to those days. because being mad is very tiring. i don't want to feel tired anymore.

wow. yohana and me. reality hit us hard today. we might not pass. those words are so hard to hear. but i don't think that's the worst part. i think its harder for her to explain it to her mom and its harder for me to keep it to myself. my mom doesn't know. i won't tell her. it'll be the biggest disappointment for her and it has been mine all along. i've never had so many problems with school. i've always been the straight A student. now, in stephanie's words, "skippers never prosper". i remember when i used to laugh at the phrase. not anymore.

there are certain moments when you feel as if everything is out of reach. things that you wish for seems to be so far away. you reach for it, but it disappears from your grasp. things like memories and friendship. it comes to a point where you question about it. is it better to keep fighting for it or is it better just to let it go.

& the worst part about being lied to,
is knowing that you're not worth the truth. ='[

campaign week is officially over. no more banners, no more flyers, no more buttons, and no more tags. the work is done and now we're just waiting for elections and the results it would bring. no matter how much i hope, things won't return to normal. normal has been long gone. people changed, perspectives changed, and so would everthing else. as soon as the election results are announced, some would be happy. others would be devastated. i am dreading that moment. i wish it would never come. because once it would, it would really show how much things have changed and how they would keep on changing.

today afterschool, sophia and lissette confronted me. they were disrespectful. especially sophia. for being sophomores, they had the audacity to imply that i backstabbed them by saying things about their class. that i was telling everyone how their class account has no money and how badly they have done. sophia was there telling me that it started from 8th period, to my officers, and my group of friends. what does all that have in common? me. seriously, don't complain to me about how awful campaigning is. since i've done this 3 years. last year, they didn't even have to campaign. now this year, its different. for once, they actually have to fight for their positions. no wonder it hurts. to me, running for junior class officer is the hardest. you're there trying to prove to everyone that you have done something. people don't notice anything you do during sophomore year. because honestly, you do very little. but even by doing that little, you are suppose to make progress. so proving that you should be elected again isn't easy. just because they claim that i have given them a so called "pep talk", it doesn't mean anything.

what can i do to prove that i have done nothing wrong? that i have nothing to hide. that all the things i said and done is not because i was guilty or ashamed. in fact, it has never been about that.

but it wouldn't seem that way to you. nor would you understand or would you care.

i'm sure someone is real happy right now. turning the world and everyone against me. its working real well. not even MY best friend believes me. "you don't even tell me things anymore" she says... its funny how she expects me to tell her things when she's clearly on someone else's side. its like the things i say don't even matter anymore because honestly, they think its a complete lie. i explain things, and they continue thinking its MY fault. that i'm the big bad wolf. they don't listen and they don't understand. i give up. everything is pointless at this moment.

Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up

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Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it my face

who do you trust when there is no one you could trust? every moment it feels as if there's a knife coming in my direction. my friends, my best friend, it feels as if all of them are a lie. that hurts.

everything sucks. everyone sucks. no one around me is truly a friend. no one. everyone is just a backstabber and a liar. everyone is being a hypocrite, a two face. even the people who i thought were trustworthy turns around and just slaps me in the f***ing face. we're all going against each other. but the funny thing is, i think each one of us actually wants it. how sick is that?

four days left before spring break begins. time is passing by too fast. too much things to do, too little time. but that doesn't matter. i'll take it as a challenge. this year, lui-bechara is coming back stronger than ever. not just to campaign, but because it's our last year and it has to make history. lui-bechara can't be duplicated. i'm surprised no one is running against me. are they scared? i'm kinda relieved. but someone is running against steph again. this makes me worry. the same person. this is her 3rd year trying. she doesn't realize that she lost twice, to the same person. but soon, she will realize that it will be her 3rd strike and she's out again. its always going to be lui-bechara.

someone told me something today. it really got me thinking. i'm starting to question my own actions. and these actions, are the ones that will influence my future and everyone else's. scary, right? maybe i shouldn't listen to what this person said. i usually don't anyways.